Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
