I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
