I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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