Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
