paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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