I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
