i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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