i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
