we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
