i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
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Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
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Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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