she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
