Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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