My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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