Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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