You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
