You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
