.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
