sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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