Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
