Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
