just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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