who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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