Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
