I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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