When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
