oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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