Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
