I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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