I cannot find my penis.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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