I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize