Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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