We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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