I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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