Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
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Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
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She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
did i just pee glitter
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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