i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
