Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
