I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
