too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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