Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I party with great urgency now.
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