I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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