I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
