I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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