I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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