the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
