Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
