I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
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My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
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My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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