I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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