I think my vagina is haunted
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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