No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
