he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
