So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
