discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So apparently I’m into choking now
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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