Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
