I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
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She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
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The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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