Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
